Hospital Bracelets

Yep, that's right. Yesterday was that magical time of year when I make my annual trip to the hospital for something else ridiculously stupid.

Last year it was a possible skin infection on my shin that might need surgery. Turns out it was an inflamed bug bite. Bye-bye $50 copay.

The year before...a broken middle finger. From what? Playing volleyball at 2am outside Stewart Hall. I still have the splint :)

This time? A bump on my arm that turned out to be a mild staf infection of a sort. Whoooo knows how I got it. But point is, it's gone and no longer a problem. Save the fact that it is verrrry painful and Talley and I got some free hospital goods out of the trip (gotta make that 50 bucks back somehow!) But the story of the hospital is a slightly good one to tell.

It all started with my mother telling me I should go to the hospital and get the bump taken care of (she works for a dermatologists office) so Talley and I headed back to our room, started dinner (pot roast! yuuum) and headed out. But not before I made another call to my mom to explain that I couldn't find my insurance card. Here is the ensuing conversation...

"What?! Well where is it?? It should always be in your wallet!!"

"Well, I don't see why I'd take it out. So I highly doubt it's my doing."

"Kristen. It's YOUR card. It was in YOUR wallet. Why would it be anyone else's fault!?"

"I didn't take it out!!! Just go check my other wallet up on my bureau."

"Hold on, Daddy's checking his stuff. I don't know why though, this is obviously your fault. You only have yourself to blame and now I doubt you'll be able to pay for this."

(My dad in the background...as calmly as if he were going over a grocery list..."Here it is.")

"I TOLD YOU!"

"Well I don't understand why your father had it..."

We made our way to the hospital, commented on their effort to make it look more modern via the entrance-way. Had a discussion about how Oncology is cancer specialists and not colon specialists. And got into the emergency room.

Now, for those of you reading from back East, this emergency room is about the size of your family physician's office watiting room. Nothing like the crazy, hectic, St. Luke's or Lehigh Valley business we're used to with all the bleeding, puking, screaming, crying babies, pregnant women around you. Just an empty room with a cute little old man in a red blazer who asks your name and shows you into a room off to the side where a nurse gets your vitals in basic information. I must admit...it's far better going there and getting taken care of right away instead of waiting four and a half hours in a waiting room with only a towel to hold your partially severed thumb on your profusely bleeding hand.

After telling them that my pain is about halfway between the frowny face and the smiley face on the "pain scale" and sucessfully reading the French translation on a poster on the wall to entertain the cute old man in the red blazer, he led Talley and I back to Ortho (who knows why). On our way, we passed quiiiite the handsome devilish looking doctor leaning on the main counter. Complete with a sexy grin and debonair suave movements, he was def. a hottie. I motioned to Talley who got a peek and just grinned at me. We were put into a room with a bed and all that...but on the far wall were thousands of supplies. In the back, mounds of crutches, still in wrappers. I couldn't help but feel they just put us in the storage closet. As I was changing into the gooooorgeous hospital gown, some dude just walked right in, didn't even falter, and proceeds to shop for bandages on the supply side of the room. Talley and I just stared at his audacity with our mouths open...my fingers on the clasp of my bra (thank GOD I wasn't any further along before he came in).

Finally, a nurse came in to get my insurance info. Apparently she was having as bad a day as I was (I had problems with the bank earlier) and was thankful for the laughs we were giving her while we talked about the hot doctor with the sexy grin. After she left, threatening to send in the hot doctor, much to Talley's pleasure, another person barged in to get some supplies...again without knocking or anything. Eventually, the doctor came in and right after looking and touching for two seconds, she was like, yep we'll have to drain that. Sparing you the details she went into with us, she stuck me with a needle which hurt so much I was screaming and didn't even realize it until Talley was telling me to shhh.

"Ohhh yeahhh, yeah, we're getting stuff out..." - Doctor
"OHH MY GODDD!!" - Me
"Just think about Obama winning the primary!!" - Talley
"HE FUCKING BETTER!" - Me

After significantly poking around my arm with the damn needle and poking me with her fingers RIGHT where it hurt the most, the doctor finally let up and my crying ceased. Of which I'm not ashamed of at all. That hurt SO much. Imagine someone stabbing and sliding a needle all over the place inside your arm. So you can just imagine how sore my arm is today. This trip however was easily the most painful to the hospital yet. Can't wait to see what shenanigans I get myself into next year.

After I was given permission to leave and was putting my clothes back on, Talley pointed out what kind of stuff they had in the supply closet part of the room. Needless to say, we made back the 50 bucks I wasted on the copay. So if you happen to sprain your ankle...we're your pharmacy :)

Until then...